if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
