i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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