i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
