I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
