who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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