I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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