please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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