either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
