I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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