There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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