I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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