one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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