The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
