I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
