Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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