i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
