My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
