have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
