i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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