eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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