sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Can I color on your dick again?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
