don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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