I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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