We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
