Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
