you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Michael Bay diarrhea
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
