My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
