Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
