Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
