ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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