Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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