allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
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Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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