I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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