Dual....:-)
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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