I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
