I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
