I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
