can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
