...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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