Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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