I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
