I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
