ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
