Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
