i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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