So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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