Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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