i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
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You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
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Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.