No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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