My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
