Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
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She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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