Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
