So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
