i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
