I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
