I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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