I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
